What to do When Your Child/Teen is Being Disrespectful

 

When a parent tells me that their child is disrespectful, there is a good chance that the child (and possibly the parent) was in a "emotionally intoxicated" state of mind.

It's difficult to have a productive conversation when the child, teen, or parent says things they don't mean ("I hate you... you don't care about me... I want to run away..."). Instead, it's all too easy to become emotionally triggered and say things you don't mean, like yelling, calling people names, or attempting to cancel Christmas.

One of the most important things I tell parents is to "teach when the relationship is good," which means don't go into "lecture mode" when your child is defensive or angry. As a result, whenever a child makes a mistake, the subsequent talk or lecture is associated with punishment rather than learning. Can we truly afford for our children to form such a group? Is it any surprise that they tune us out so quickly?

Situations that cause emotional euphoria

Children and teenagers are most disrespectful in three situations, according to my clinical experience. If you've experienced any of these, your child was most likely emotionally intoxicated and incapable of responding appropriately. It is critical not to argue or lecture during these triggering moments, no matter how right you believe you are:

#1: Your child has just heard the word "no."

Assume your 15-year-old daughter wants to go to a party but waits until the last minute to ask you. You're right to be nervous and say "no," but she argues that it's not fair and is emotionally upset. Let's say you make the grave error of arguing back and attempting to make her "feel good" about your decision. She can't understand why you would deny her such an important social event, so her natural reaction is to direct her rage at you.

Do you stay where she says you're "ruining her life" and try to make her "get it" by defending yourself? ("I know you're upset, but don't talk to me like that... I'm just doing what's best for you..."). No way, no how! Arguing with someone who is emotionally high is pointless. Instead, say something like, "I apologize." I understand your dissatisfaction. We'll talk about it later when we can talk about it differently..." and keep your feet moving. Allow neither pride nor fear to draw you back into the room.

Remember that you can always return later, when the relationship is strong, and teach. However, no teaching, no matter how well intentioned, can take place when emotions are high.

#2: Your child is in danger.

Assume you discover your 14-year-old son smoking marijuana by himself. You've caught him red (or pot) handed, and he knows it. You may be tempted to discipline him and teach him a lesson because you are understandably upset. However, with a kid who is likely embarrassed about being caught, the conversation is unlikely to end well. So, should you let your child go without consequences? Obviously not.

If your child does something wrong, use the following formula: "You did A (the misbehavior), so now you get B." (the consequence). I'm too upset right now to talk to you. We'll discuss it later when we're both calm." Then walk away and impose a short-term, mild consequence. Do not swat flies with cannon balls (for example, "You're grounded for 6 months.")

Remember to avoid lecturing in the heat of the moment. Lectures are relationship killers because they cause shame, and shame makes children defensive. A defensive child is a disrespectful child. Be honest: Would you respond with a "good attitude" if your boss pointed out your mistakes at every opportunity? Nobody enjoys having their face rubbed in mud.

#3: Your child is forced to do something he or she despises.

When a child is forced to do something against their will, such as homework, chores, or eating something they consider yucky, the child becomes upset and may try to divert the conversation to "anything else that sticks." For example, if your son learns that instead of eating something yucky, he can engage you in a conversation about how you don't love him... You've just set yourself up for at least ten future arguments about how you don't love him when he's upset.

Allow the consequence to teach instead by saying something like, "If you don't eat at least some ______, then you've chosen the following consequence ______." Then disengage and walk away. Allow the child as much time as possible to make a decision. If he refuses to do what you've asked, then you must follow through. Just don't get emotionally drunk yourself.

Remember to emphasize the positive.

Some of this may appear to imply that you should simply ignore your child. Absolutely not; I simply believe that timing is critical. I sometimes advise parents to use a one-to-five ratio, which means that for every time you have to ignore your child or impose a consequence, look for at least five opportunities to praise or express appreciation/interest. This means that you are not allowed to lecture until you have had at least five positive interactions. The most disrespectful children are sometimes (but not always) the ones who receive little attention for positive behavior; the parent only interacts with them when something goes wrong. Pay attention to the good things as well, because they do occur.

Conclusion

A disrespectful child is one who is high on disappointment (#1), shame (#2), or frustration (#3). Our job is not to spread that "intoxication," but to engage when doing so is more productive. This will create a more positive emotional tone in the relationship and greatly improve the effectiveness of your teaching.

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